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Le Tour de Farce

July 29, 2007

Okay, Le Tour is over, and we look back on yet another debacle in professional sports. Baseball has Bonds. Football as Pacman, Vick, etc. Basketball has corrupt refs and mafia connections, and cycling has lust for dope.
Personally, I don’t care if they are doped, and in fact, I would suggest we legalize and promote systematic doping in cycling. Why not?
Frankly, I’m growing bored with cycling. It is not enough anymore for someone to ride 30mph over 100 miles and then do it again the next day. It is not enough for someone to ride three days straight up near veritical mountain roads. It is not enough to ride nearly 3000 miles in three weeks. Boring. Boring. Boring.
I need more.
The standard sports are no longer the attraction they once were and are being surpassed by Mixed Martial Arts, Base Jumping, Bull Riding, and my favorite, Acapulco Cliff Diving.
So, I say give the riders in Le Tour as much dope as they can handle. Move the transfusion equipment into the team car so that they can get new horse blood as they ride.
In fact, I’d go one further. I would clone my best rider. That way if yellow jersey number one nears the mountaintop and explodes into a puddle of bovine adrenal gland, so what, just move on to yellow jersey number two.

I fear that even with these improvements cycling nears the abyss of soccer, or futbol, or football, or whatever you want to call it. It will never REALLY catch on in America. Americans want high scores, drama and full tilt action. We want crashes and wrecks. Look at NASCAR or hockey for that matter.
At the start there are only about eight guys capable of winning the entire event, the rest are there to suffer beyond comprehension in an effort to aid one of the eight. Americans don’t dig this. It should be every rider for himself. Get rid of “team” all together.
Most of the time, in Le Tour, the guys are not really racing, including the last day when you think it would be tooth and nail, guys diving in front of each other to create wrecks to free their mates, especially when only separated by 30 seconds! But no, today’s final stage was not “competitive” or “interesting” and thus neither was Le Tour.
I would delete the time trials, the rest days, the breaks and just say, “Guys, you have three weeks to get from point A to point B.”
“See you in Paris, may the best man win.”
The sound of blood pumps, hypodermic sharpeners and medical personal would deafen the spectators.
My fingers are crossed that these improvements are implemented. Although I’m bored with the current state of cycling, there is much to gain in keeping it around, especially if you own medical stock.

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